Scanning the Horizon
Okay, so my Brain MRI with and without contrast – possibly my 25th such scan – was postponed due to the intricate machine breaking down on Wednesday shortly before my “time.” Now, I have just about 45 minutes until I get back into that tube and listen to all of those crazy bonkings and reapeating bass guitar lines – bom bom bom bom bom! (You all who have had such scans know what I’m talking about.)
I wanted to quickly jot down some thoughts before going in, almost as an exercise in speed typing and speed thinking, and I also wanted to try to coalesce my real thoughts in real pressure-time about all of the what-if’s which tread through the patient’s head in the moments prior to an imaging study.
In my case, I am fighting a right parietal anaplastic oligdendroglioma going on four years now. This is, in itself, a wonderful reality as I was worried sick initially that I was in big big trouble. Now, as I scan the horizon of my life – and ours together – I see many scenarios — and some not so bad at all. What was once only a slight glimmer of a gleam of hope for a long and “normal” life now seems in the realm of possible. Another possibility is more in line with what I – and my family – deal with on a daily basis: fatigue, reactions to the many drugs that I have to take to contradict the possibility of seizures, etc. Also, every day – like for you, no doubt – is just a grind. Every trip to the store is a big deal – that’s a fifth of my energy for the day, check! And my addiction to skateboarding affords me 20 minutes of rolling in gravity’s free fall before another 2/5’s of the days energy is spent.
So, a second scenario, as I look out upon the what-if’s of the outcome of this scan, is the grand battle – me vs. Oligo duking it out one uppercut, three jabs, a roundhouse, etc. (you get the idea.)
And then there’s the grand terror which all of us cancer patients reluctantly face: recurrence. I sighed deeply just after typing recurrence. It just takes your joie d’vivre away. Excitement for blissful normalcy bubbles away.
So, what is one to do? When I ask my doc about what we’ll do if we have a recurrence, he steadfastly looks me square in the eye and says: “We’ll figure out what it is, where it is… and we’ll fight it.” Amen.
Hi Pat-we are praying that results from your scan are good. Matt came out of surgery Tuesday around 5pm and left the hospital Thursday. When he woke on Wednesday morning he couldn’t believe at how well he felt. By Friday he was able to walk with crutches to his PT. The physical therapist was amazed and said multiple times to surrounding people that he couldn’t believe how well Matt was doing-it was if he had recovered for a month -not 2 days. Well, we know it is all due to God-and we are so thankful for His blessings, care and love! God has so blessed you and we pray that he continues to do so-so you can continue to spread His word!
With love and prayer,